Sonoko-sama's Love and Beauty Advice
by Luna Darkside
Summary: Despite his protests, Shinichi is forced into replacing Sonoko as a radio talk show host, taking questions on "Sonoko-sama's Love and Beauty Advice." Problem is, the questions are about (obviously) love and beauty, neither of which Shinichi knows anything about. Fortunately, Kid - er, the control board operator - is willing to teach him a few things. /ShinKai, oneshot, complete/


_HERE IS THE FIC I'VE BEEN AIMLESSLY STRUGGLING TO WRITE IT'S FINALLY COMPLETE & POSTED_

_...Sorry *clears throat*._

_All right, this time around, we've got older!DC characters. Let's say the main characters (Shinichi, Kaito, Ran, Sonoko, etc.) are ~22 or 23 years old. Going by my typical timeline (wherein Shinichi is Conan for only a year) that means Shinichi returned ~5 or 6 years ago (when he was ~17). For plot purposes, I'm going to say he didn't attend Kid heists for some stupid reason. Got it? Good._

_Standard warnings apply (Shinichi x Kaito = shounen-ai, me typing fast + no proofreading = possible grammar issues/errors/typos, fluffy plot x sappy plot = fluffy, sappy plot) as well as scarring Shinichi for life just for fun and joking mentions of suicide, which I'll probably get shot for. _

_Also, Shinichi is unbelievably dense in here for some reason. It just kinda turned out that way. *shrug*_

_(Oh yeah, and I have no idea how radio stations/talk shows actually work, especially in Japan, so beware of inaccuracies and/or wrong terminology usage that even Google couldn't help.)_

_That's it. Hopefully you'll enjoy! – Luna_

**Sonoko-sama's Love and Beauty Advice**

"And my girlfriend hates me because of my new haircut and my drinking problem, and her pet cat has had a personal vendetta against me since that one time I accidentally fed it chocolate, and -"

Suzuki Sonoko cleared her throat, pressing closer to the microphone as she readjusted her headset and adopted a fairly bored air. "Right, of course, of course," she soothed the frantic male voice as best she could. "Let's see. For your girlfriend, maybe you should grow your hair back out. Clearly she feels like the change in your appearance alienated you two, and thus…"

Kudou Shinichi, who was standing outside the booth, watching what he had recently dubbed The Worst Idea Anyone Ever Came Up With, was frozen to the spot. Cold sweat slithered down the curve of his shoulder blade, and he was fairly sure his pupils had long since dilated in horror.

Sitting beside the control board operator at his right, his childhood friend, Mouri Ran, tried for a hopeful smile. "So, what do you think, Shinichi?" she chirped in a very unhelpfully bright voice. "Want to try?"

Mustering up the last bit of moisture left in his very dry throat, Shinichi promptly answered, "No way in hell," and turned to flee for his life.

Unfortunately, Ran's reflexes were much sharper than Shinichi had given her credit for. She snagged the back of his shirt before he went three feet. "But Shinichi!" she whined, yanking hard enough that Shinichi nearly toppled over.

"There is _no way _I'm going to sub for Sonoko as a – as a _love_ _guru_ on her radio show!" squawked Shinichi, trying desperately to escape. Clearly in vain, because Ran only rolled her eyes and pulled harder.

"But Shinichi, it'll be fun!"

"_No it won't_!" Shinichi was fairly certain he looked deranged with the way he was struggling, but he profoundly Did Not Care.

"You two are so damn annoying!" Sonoko snapped, throwing the door to the recording booth open and stomping out, headset bouncing around her neck. "I could hear you from inside the booth! I can only hope that the listeners couldn't!"

"Sonoko!" Ran beamed, swinging Shinichi around by the back of his shirt. "Tell Shinichi to sub for you!"

The blonde regarded him with disdain. "Shinichi-kun, you're the only one of us who's not going on the couple's retreat, seeing as you're the only single one in our entire group –" ("There's an odd number of people. Obviously someone was going to have to be alone," Shinichi retorted sullenly) "– so you're the only one who's going to be around to take my place on the show. I'm not going to be able to find an _actual_ substitute in time, since the one I had chosen quit and we're leaving tomorrow. You have to do this."

Shinichi was pretty sure his eyes couldn't get any wider with terror as he nearly screeched, _"No I don't_!"

Eyelids lowering in irritation, Sonoko ripped off her headset and tossed it to the control board operator. "Ran, why did you even _suggest _him for the spot?" she directed to the karate champion, vaguely incensed as she crossed her arms violently across her chest. "You of all people know he's hopeless at romance, painfully blunt, overly logical -"

Shinichi blinked. "Was that actually an insult?"

"– and the _worst _person to sub for me on _Sonoko-sama's Love and Beauty Advice_."

Ran shrugged thoughtfully, though she didn't loosen her grip on Shinichi. "Yes, he _is _bad at romance…"

Shinichi nodded so hard his neck nearly snapped. "Yes! I'm terrible at romance! I can't possibly do this!"

"…but he's our only option at the moment," she finished, casting him a sideways glance. "So really, we don't have a choice. Shinichi, you have to do this."

The detective visibly deflated, pitifully dangling from Ran's grasp. "But Ran, you know that I can't give love advice of all things –"

"Shinichi," Ran sang, and Shinichi visibly stiffened as he tilted his head up to look at Ran in the face. She was wearing a terrifyingly saccharine smile as she calmly chirruped, "You're going to sub for Sonoko, okay?"

Her smile went dark at the unspoken _or else_ hanging at the end of her sentence as her grip tightened perceptibly at Shinichi's back.

Really, Shinichi stood absolutely no chance.

"…okay."

* * *

><p>"I should've taken the hospital bill," muttered Shinichi to himself as he dragged himself into the studio. "Physical pain is nothing compared to this psychological agony."<p>

The receptionist, who looked up when Shinichi entered, smiled faintly and directed him towards the hallway that led to the recording booths. Shinichi thanked her with what he hoped resembled a smile and headed down the hall.

The station was fairly empty, to Shinichi's simultaneous delight and chagrin. While he wanted as few people as possible to witness his impending death by public humiliation, he also needed someone to show him how, exactly, this whole thing worked.

Ran and Sonoko hadn't actually given him much instruction, other than Ran's "Do your best!" and Sonoko's "Screw up and I'll kill you!" neither of which were particularly helpful.

Sighing, Shinichi stopped to consider his surroundings, staring up and down the rows of shut doors. He was supposed to go to booth 208, if he wasn't mistaken…?

One of the doors, about three away from where Shinichi stood blankly, chose that moment to open. The control board operator from the previous day poked his head out.

"Oh! You're here for _Sonoko-sama_'s, right?" he called, stepped out with a rather… smirky smile.

"Uh… yes," Shinichi answered hesitantly, blinking.

"Great! Here's the booth!" The man pointed at the plaque beside the door, which read _208 _in emblazoned script.

"Right." Shinichi hurried over and ducked in rather stiffly.

The man beamed as he closed the door. It was not exactly a friendly beam, more of an _I will enjoy laughing at you for the next hour _sort of beam. Shinichi wasn't sure how he should react, so he settled for a, "Hi, I'm Kudou Shinichi, Sonoko's sub…?"

"Right, right!" That smirky smile (maybe it was more of a smiley smirk?) made a reappearance as the operator shoved a few papers at Shinichi. "This is today's script – just a lead-in, because _Sonoko-sama_'s mostly taking calls anyway. You can come up with your own lead-ins after this one; it's just a sample, to be honest."

"Um… okay." Upon closer inspection, the control board operator looked oddly familiar. Shinichi frowned, trying to place the unusually indigo eyes and the spiky, mussed brown hair, but he didn't have much of a chance before the man extended a hand.

"So, Kudou-san, I'm Kuroba Kaito," he introduced, his smile growing a few extra centimeters. "Can't _wait _to work with you." His smile took on a vaguely sadistic edge.

Shinichi wondered if it was a job requirement to be clinically insane at this station.

"You… I… Okay." Shinichi gave up and shook his hand. "How much longer till we're on air?"

"Ten minutes, Kudou-san," Kaito informed him. "Want anything before then?"

"Uh…" Shinichi coughed weakly, finding that his throat was swiftly drying. "Water would be nice."

"All right, I'll go get you some. You should read over the script until airtime," suggested Kaito before flitting off.

The detective was now alone in the room. Rubbing a hand across his dampening brow, Shinichi stared down at the script as he skimmed over it. It couldn't be _that_ bad, right?

He didn't get past the first two lines before he blanched. Sweat production increased by sixty percent.

Yes, it could.

Kaito chose that moment to reenter the studio, carrying a paper cup of water, which he immediately passed to Shinichi. "Ready?"

"About that." Accepting the cup, Shinichi cleared his throat and blinked rapidly. "Is it just me, or does this first line say, 'Hi, my s… se…'"

"'Sexy kittens.'"

"Um, yes. 'Hi, my s-sexy kittens, and welcome to _Sonoko-sama's Love and Beauty Advice._ This is… Shi… _Shin-tan_?!' Does that actually say '_Shin-tan_'?! Oh, I mean… uh, 'filling in for Sonoko-sama while she goes on a fabulous vacation with her gor… gorgeous boyfriend and her friends to the… sen… the sensu…'" Shinichi's voice failed him at that point. He was also fairly certain his face had gone up in flames.

"Yep," Kaito beamed, very calmly. "'Hi, my sexy kittens, and welcome to _Sonoko-sama's Love and Beauty Advice_. This is Shin-tan filling in for Sonoko-sama while she goes on a fabulous vacation with her gorgeous boyfriend and her friends to the sensual beachs of Izu for a couples' retreat. Got a question? Call me – if you dare.'" This was all said in a convincingly feminine voice, complete with head tosses and sultry stares through eyelashes.

Shinichi stared.

"…Why didn't Sonoko ask _you _to sub for her?"

Kaito shrugged. "I'm just the control board operator." He glanced over at the clock on the wall. "Whoops, time slipped away from us. You've got two minutes to get into the booth and get yourself ready."

"Great," grumbled Shinichi, downing all the water in the cup. Flinging it at Kaito, who caught it and deposited it into the trashcan, Shinichi opened the door to the recording booth and walked in, sitting down at the small table provided. He slid on the headset, feeling his stomach sinking to his toes.

"Good luck," Kaito called through the intercom and winked.

"Thanks," Shinichi shot back unenthusiastically, rubbing a hand over his face in a failed attempt to smooth out the wrinkle that had begun to form between his eyebrows.

The sign reading "on air" lit up, and Shinichi took one last breath before he leaned in to the microphone and began to speak in a collected, calm voice.

"Hello, listeners, and welcome to _Sonoko-sama's Love and Beauty Advice._ This is Shinichi, filling in for Sonoko while she goes on vacation with her boyfriend and her friends to the beaches of Izu for a couples' retreat. If you have a question, go ahead and call."

Shinichi was fairly certain Kaito was going to kill him for deviating this much from the script, but he had a goddamn reputation and literally _no one _was going to let him live it down if he said anything like "sexy kittens" or called himself "Shin-tan."

He shuddered violently at the thought.

One of the lines rang, and Kaito put the call through.

"You're on the air," Shinichi informed the caller. "What can I do for you?"

"Uh… hi," came a soft female voice. "This is Hanako, and I'm just curious: Are you Kudou Shinichi?"

"Yes," Shinichi answered hesitantly. "Is that…"

The line burst into a squeal that made Shinichi's ears ring. "Oh my God! This is Shinichi-sama, the former high school detective and now consultant to the Tokyo Metropolitan Police?" Her voice rose in pitch, a feat Shinichi had previously believed to be impossible. "You don't know how much I adore you!"

Flinching and motioning frantically at Kaito to turn the volume down, Shinichi coughed, "Oh, um, thank you. Er… do you have any questions or advice you ne –"

"Yes!" whoever Hanako was squawked. "Will you marry me?"

Blinking, Shinichi looked at Kaito, who blinked back at him. _What am I supposed to say? _he mouthed anxiously.

Kaito gave a very helpful shrug.

"…Okay. Um, Hanako-san, was it?" Shinichi scrubbed at the back of his head, feeling vaguely embarrassed. "I don't know you that well, so I don't think… er… getting married would be a good idea –"

"How could you!" she screeched, and the line went dead.

There was about five seconds of silence before Shinichi said, "Right, um, next caller…?"

"Is this really Kudou Shinichi?" said a deep male voice. "I just wanted to thank you for solving my girlfriend's murder two years ago."

"Oh. It was nothing, really," Shinichi began, a smile starting to spread across his face.

"Well, it's not like she mattered much to me to begin with, but it was pretty cool to see her stepdad being handcuffed. Her brother is a much better kisser anyway," the voice concluded. "So thanks. And if you're ever feeling lonely, you should call me. My number is –"

Thankfully, Kaito disconnected the call there. Shinichi cleared his throat. "Was that…?" he muttered before quickly announcing, "Next caller, please."

"My name is Ami," the caller started. "And I have a question for you."

"Okay. Go ahead," Shinichi coaxed, glad that this girl seemed relatively sane.

Although the last two had as well, and look how that had turned out.

"I was just wondering… Kaitou Kid, Hattori Heiji, or Hakuba Saguru?"

"…What?"

"Which do you like the most?"

"…What?"

Ami sighed. "I'm a doujinshi artist."

"How is that related to Kid, Hattori, and Hakuba?" wondered Shinichi, looking over at Kaito in confusion. Oddly enough, the man appeared to be having a seizure. Or laughing maniacally, but Shinichi couldn't really tell.

"Well, I've been drawing doujinshi with you in them."

"Right. So how –"

"I thought I'd take this chance to see which one you'd like to be drawn with the most."

"Wait, what –"

"I mean, I've drawn a lot of Heiji x Shinichi – obviously, since you're best friends, and the petty rivalry is _totally _unresolved sexual tension – and I've done some Shinichi x Saguru – both of you love Holmes and that means you guys are super compatible. But my absolute _favorite _is Kid x Shinichi. You two are so perfect together. I mean, you've only met a couple times, right? But just the _tension _between you two_ – _you can see it in every _motion_…"

Shinichi was fairly certain his brain just broke.

And they still had fifty-five more minutes of airtime.

* * *

><p>Exiting the recording booth, Shinichi stared straight ahead. Kaito, who was holding the door open for the detective, watched him, concerned.<p>

"You okay?"

"Nearly twenty girls explained to me that I like men. Particularly the Kaitou Kid," Shinichi said hollowly. "And then… one of them… she…"

"She read one of her smut stories out loud to you over the phone. Yes, I was here," Kaito finished cheerfully. "For your first time, I think you did okay. Although I'm sure by tomorrow the appeal of talking to the great detective will fade, and you'll get actual questions."

"Uh huh." Shinichi nodded numbly. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go drown myself in a washing machine. Don't expect me tomorrow. Goodbye." He shouldered past Kaito, heading for the hall.

"Oi, oi, tantei-kun!" yelled Kaito from behind him, sounding peeved. "Calm down!"

Wait what.

Shinichi froze as the implications set it. Very, _very _slowly, he turned and blinked very, _very _slowly at Kaito, who was scowling as he advanced on Shinichi. "You – doesn't – that means you're…"

"Yes, okay, I am," Kaito sighed, extending a hand to try to calm the detective. "Look, ca –"

"GAH!" Shinichi shrieked, nearly flying out of the studio.

Kaito stared after him before sighing and chasing after him.

The detective made it two blocks before Kaito caught up, catching him by the arm and jerking him to a stop. "Look, Kudou-san –"

"I would appreciate it if you didn't touch me," Shinichi interrupted, his voice an octave higher than usual. He turned tormented eyes on Kaito. "That's how that – that _story _started. You – Kid – grabbed my arm... and then…"

"Oh." Kaito quickly released Shinichi's arm and stepped back. "Was that your first experience with, uh, fan works?"

"Well, I knew people did weird things like that, but I didn't realize that… that they did it with me, my ex-rival who no one knows is my ex-rival because I was six when we were rivals, my best friend, and a guy I met, like, once, also when I was six. And… that… the stories were that explicit…" Shinichi shivered, traumatized, and Kaito smiled, clearly holding back a laugh.

"You're actually rather cute right now, tantei-kun," he remarked, and Shinichi's eyes flared with horror as he flinched.

"Stop. Right now," he demanded, backing up a few steps. "I could turn you in, you know."

"But you won't," Kaito sang, smirking as Shinichi scowled fiercely.

"Just because we're not rivals anymore doesn't mean I won't," he grumbled, though they both knew the threat was empty. "I hate you."

The magician feigned heartbreak, clutching at his chest. "But I _looove _you, tantei-kun~!"

"No. We are _not _doing this," hissed Shinichi, recoiling. "Anyway, why couldn't you just take my place?"

"Hm?" Kaito tilted his head innocently.

"You're the Kaitou Kid! You could imitate my voice with no problem!" Shinichi exclaimed, glaring. "You didn't have to put me through all of _that_!"

"But it's so much more _fun _this way!" complained Kaito, adopting a pitiful expression.

"For you. I, on the other hand, am mentally scarred now. For the record, I do _not _own strawberry lube and I do _not _like BDSM." Shinichi sighed. "In case anyone cares. At all." He glanced at Kaito. "Tomorrow, I won't be coming in."

Kaito gaped. "But tantei-kun, you promised Suzuki-san you'd do it for her."

"You're perfectly capable of doing it by yourself. And anyway, I didn't sign up for harassment and psychological damage." With a vaguely apologetic smile, Shinichi waved and started down the sidewalk.

"Wait, wait! I promise tomorrow you'll get real questions!" Kaito called after him, and Shinichi looked back to shake his head.

"How are you going to ensure that? No thanks, Kid."

"Come _on_, tantei-kun. It's been so long! This is the first time I've seen you in, what, five years? We were friends, you know! And then you stopped coming to heists, and…"

Hesitating, Shinichi drew to a halt, biting his lip. "Kid…" He did feel kind of guilty about that, but wouldn't it be a bit odd if Kudou Shinichi, who'd never shown interest in Kid heists, starting going after Edogawa Conan disappeared? People might notice similarities if they shared a common link like that.

"Please?" Kaito blinked wide puppy eyes at him, clasping his hands in front of his chest. "For me?"

Exhaling hard, Shinichi pinched his nosebridge. "…Fine."

"Fine? You'll keep subbing for Suzuki-san?" Kaito's whole face lit up, and Shinichi felt a little better about selling his soul yet again. He turned and continued down the sidewalk.

"Mmhm. See you tomorrow, Kid," he called over his shoulder, barely hearing Kaito's enthusiastic "Great!" in response.

* * *

><p>Shinichi didn't even try to talk to Kaito as he bolted from the booth after his second day. Nope, he really was completely unsuited to this job after all, and there were washing machines awaiting him. He wondered if anyone would notice if he went to the nearest coin laundry to do it.<p>

"Kudou-san!" Kaito shouted after him and barely managed to drag him back inside before Shinichi left the building, shoving him into a chair. Once he'd closed the booth door, he sighed, pressing his hand against his face. "Tantei-kun, I have to say…"

"That went quite poorly," agreed Shinichi woodenly. "I'm reconsidering my washing machine plan. I don't think I can fit in one." He frowned contemplatively. "A pool might be better. Do you know when the pool by Teitan Elementary closes?"

"Stop talking about killing yourself," snapped Kaito, raking back handfuls of his hair. "You're way too selfish to do something like that."

"Try me," Shinichi offered dully, punctuating the words with a blank laugh. "Or, better yet, I can save up all the tears that I cause the listeners in a bucket and drown myself like that."

"Tantei-kun, she was only crying for five minutes. It wasn't… uh… _that_ bad?" tried Kaito, smiling hopefully down at Shinichi.

"Right, not that bad. Even though I _did _tell her that her boyfriend was cheating on her andusing her for her money after I deduced that from her description of his personality and habits and her speech patterns and name. And that was before she asked her question, which happened to be whether she should marry the aforementioned boyfriend. I feel I handled that _superbly_," Shinichi bit out, placing his face in his hands.

Kaito winced. "Er…"

"And then there was that girl who wanted advice on how to put on eyeliner for a party, and I asked her if she was after her sister's boyfriend. I mean, from her voice I could tell she was pretty young and all, and she mentioned how she couldn't wait to go to this amazing party, and her voice went significantly higher, implying some form of affection, when she added the party would be at 'Ryuunosuke-niichan's house,' and since girls her age generally aren't allowed to go to random older men's houses for parties, she obviously knows him, but if he was _her _boyfriend, she wouldn't be calling him 'niichan' because that's weird, and they're likely not siblings because it's not at _their _house, it's at 'Ryuunosuke-niichan's house,' which implies they don't live together, so he's probably her older sister's boyfriend because it's the most probable relationship in which an older man is familiar enough with a young girl to be called 'niichan,' without being related, but if she's desperate enough to call a radio talk show for advice, she clearly wants to look her best, which means she probably has some kind of interest in this 'Ryuunosuke-niichan,' who, as mentioned, is most likely her sister's boyfriend – I forgot to say he's not her brother's, because if he was her older brother's boyfriend, she would assume he doesn't like girls and wouldn't put try to get him."

Kaito blinked for a second. "That was quite the run-on sentence."

Letting out a groan, Shinichi sank lower in the chair. "Not the point. She flipped out and starting sobbing and you _know _that."

"I…" Kaito forced a laugh, finding that he couldn't actually debate the point further as it was true. "It wasn't that bad in the end, was it?"

"The end was that guy who starting asking me a lot of questions about myself, and I called him out on trying to pick me up because why else would he need to know _my _favorite color and _my _favorite food and where _I _live?"

"I thought that was funny, though. Remember what he said after you asked if he was trying to pick you up?"

Shinichi shot him a very angry glare. "'I need a map because I'm lost in your eyes'? Which made absolutely no sense because we were talking on the phone and therefore he couldn't _see _my eyes?"

"Pickup lines always make me laugh," Kaito smiled, sighing contentedly.

"…Okay, I'm going to go find a pool now. In case the police ask, it was a suicide, unlike the rest of the cases that happen around here." Shinichi stood up, and Kaito flapped frantically at him.

"No! Wait! Come on, tantei-kun, it wasn't _that _bad! It was better than yesterday, right? I filtered all the calls so they were all questions!"

Leveling a stare at him, Shinichi said, "So my two options if I continue working here are either listening to stories about the two of us having sex or making girls cry for extended periods of time?"

"Well…"

The detective rose to his feet. "The pool awaits me."

"Wait, no!" Flailing, Kaito reached for Shinichi, who turned around with a resigned expression. "I could try to teach you about love!"

"Right. You could teach _me_." Shinichi gave an unimpressed nod. "I'll be leaving now."

"Not love, maybe – just how to react properly or something!" Kaito offered, with a pleading smile. "I think if you just turn off your detective brain and stop deducing people, you'd do okay. You're not hopeless. So maybe I could show you how to answer questions about love or beauty."

"And how do you propose we do that?" wondered Shinichi curiously. He had to admit the idea was a little intriguing.

"Come a few minutes early before every session," proposed Kaito, sensing that Shinichi was interested. "I'll ask you a mock question, and if you pass, then you can record for the day. If you don't, I'll record for you."

Shinichi blinked at him. "…Can't I just fail every question so you record every day?"

Kaito clutched his heart in distress. "Where is your honor, tantei-kun?"

"I lost it when I made the fifth girl cry."

With a sigh, Kaito straightened, looking Shinichi straight in the eyes. "Tan – _Shinichi_, don't you want to learn how to love?" he asked, almost reprovingly.

The expression on Kaito's face shocked Shinichi more than he'd ever admit. The magician looked so earnest, so sincere, so hopeful, with his indigo eyes clouded with something that resembled concern, that Shinichi capitulated on the spot.

"Okay," he grudgingly agreed, breaking eye contact to stare at his feet awkwardly. "I accept your deal."

Kaito smiled brightly, brightly enough that Shinichi almost didn't feel like he'd (yet again) sold his soul to the devil. "See you tomorrow, then, Shinichi," he beamed, and Shinichi didn't miss the way "Shinichi" had replaced "tantei-kun."

* * *

><p>"Hi, this is Watanuki. Um, I have a question."<p>

Shinichi blinked over the recording booth table at Kaito, who was wearing a wide-eyed expression of contrived femininity to match his voice. "You do not know how surreal this is right now."

"What was that, Shinichi-san?" Kaito queried, again in a sweet, girly voice, batting his eyelashes for emphasis.

"Uh… Sorry, Watanuki-san. Go ahead." Shinichi fought back a shiver. It was just plain _weird _to hear a female voice coming out of Kaito's decidedly masculine person.

"I was just wondering… what should you get the boy you like for Valentine's Day?" Kaito/Watanuki asked.

Okay, the eyelash batting was getting kind of distracting.

"Er… For Valentine's Day, huh…" Shinichi considered it for a second, trying to recall what he usually got and what stood out to him. "Well, I think chocolate's a little cliché by now, don't you think?"

Kaito nodded, smiling like he was pleased with Shinichi's answer so far. "So then what?"

"Hm… If you really like him, you should do something you make yourself, I guess, like, a knit scarf or a hand-painted mug or something. That would convey your feelings better, I think," finished Shinichi, awkwardly shifting in his chair as Kaito smirked.

"That wasn't so bad, wasn't it?" he said, thankfully in his real voice, and Shinichi sighed.

"But, I mean, it's _you_, not some actual random girl. I actually know you. Sort of."

"Why would that matter?"

Gripping a handful of his bangs, Shinichi thought about it. "It's just – because I understand you to some extent already, I don't feel like I need to try to learn something about you. But when it's a stranger, I feel like I should try to understand them better, know where they're coming from, and then I accidentally say something indelicate and screw it up." He flashed Kaito a weak smile, lowering his gaze to the table dejectedly. "Honestly, I'm just bad at this kind of thing. Falling in love isn't something I'm particularly good at, either."

Raising his head back up, Shinichi found, to his surprise, that Kaito was watching him with an unreadable expression.

A few tense seconds passed (during which Shinichi frowned perplexedly at Kaito, holding back a "What?", and Kaito just scrutinized him) before Kaito moved again.

"Okay, well, I think you did great today, Shinichi. You're on the air in a few minutes, so I'll just go get everything ready," he informed Shinichi, donning his usual grin as he left the booth.

Still slightly puzzled, Shinichi peered through the glass to watch Kaito prepping the control board, face just the slightest bit pink as he adjusted sliders and twisted knobs. What was wrong with _him_?

* * *

><p>"Shinichi-san? Uh, hi, my name is Rin."<p>

"Rin-san, is it?" Shinichi had one eyebrow lifted, smirking around the microphone at Kaito. "Nice to meet you."

"Of course," Kaito cooed, grinning right back. His voice was a bit lower than it had been for the previous day's Watanuki, Shinichi noted absently. "I've got a question for you today. How do you do a smoky eye with eye shadow?"

"A… smoky eye?" Shinichi blinked, clueless. "Like… fire? On your eyelids?"

"Yes, you know, like in a gradient." Kaito sounded like he was having difficulty holding back a laugh. Shinichi had difficulty holding back a glare. He didn't.

The magician dropped back into his normal voice. "This show _is _also beauty advice too, you know."

Shinichi abandoned all pretense of holding back his glare. "I hate you."

"What?" Kaito squealed, horrified, in Rin's voice. "How could you _say _that to me?"

"Oh. Um, sorry?" Shinichi offered reflexively. He tried to temper his glare. "Er, I guess you would just… uh… blend a lot? And… um?"

Raising one unimpressed eyebrow, Kaito shook his head as he stood up to grab the headset. "Okay, I'll take over for you today."

"I apologize for not paying attention to how people spread powder on their eyelids," groused Shinichi as he watched Kaito pull it on. "Honestly, girls just wear makeup for protection. They hide behind it because they're unnecessarily insecure about their appearances when really they're perfectly attractive." He shook his head sadly. "Kind of sad."

Kaito, who had paused as he adjusted the headset, stared, stricken, before laughing. "Wow, Shinichi, that was surprisingly sweet."

"What?" Shinichi scowled, mildly disturbed by his reaction. "What did I say?"

"It's nothing," Kaito smirked, but he tugged off the headset and handed it to him with sparkling eyes. "Change of plans. You're going today. If anyone asks about makeup, just give them that line about girls being unnecessarily insecure."

Disgruntled, Shinichi protested, "But that's not even…?" as he slid on the receiver.

"Trust me. They'll love it. Hearing a pretty detective like you saying something like that… I'm sure they won't complain, at least," insisted Kaito.

"Did you just call me pretty?" asked Shinichi flatly.

"Oh. I guess," Kaito agreed, seeming mildly surprised as well. "Sorry. It just came naturally." At the _what are you trying to say _look Shinichi leveled at him, he put up his hands defensively. "I didn't mean it like _that_. Not like girly pretty. Like…" He stopped midsentence to regard Shinichi carefully, eyes tracing over every angle and every plane of Shinichi's face in a way that made Shinichi squirm. "Like… piece of art, elegant, refined sort of pretty."

"Um." Shinichi wasn't exactly sure how he should be reacting to this. Kaito was starting to look slightly horrified himself. "Thank you? I think you're…" he coughed awkwardly, "…very, er, pretty as well."

He tried not to think about how he realized he wasn't even lying when he said that. Kaito _was _kind of pretty – maybe not "piece of art, elegant, refined" pretty as Kaito put it… more what Shinichi might describe as "warm-hearted, buoyant, playful" pretty.

Oh God. Shinichi was starting to feel uncomfortable in his own head.

Freeing himself from the thoughts, Shinichi looked up tentatively to meet Kaito's eyes. The man had gone pink as he stood in the doorway to the booth, blinking and _possibly_ breathing – Shinichi couldn't be certain, as Kaito appeared to have frozen on the spot.

"Er, thanks," he finally muttered before quickly heading to his position at the control board. Shinichi ducked his own head in silent embarrassment.

* * *

><p>"I'm Minami."<p>

"Hello, Minami-san. Do you have a question for me today?" Shinichi gloated inwardly at how easily the words rolled off his tongue now. Well, after a week of this job (not counting the first two fiascos, technically speaking), he was getting better at playing up the radio host (though he hadn't started enjoying it anymore, really).

He had been able to perform for six out of the seven times since his deal with Kaito (the one time he hadn't, he'd asked "Yukino-san"/Kaito if she had a brother complex after she asked for advice on what she should get for her older brother's birthday. Apparently Kaito did not deem that an appropriate response).

Across the table, Kaito made coy, oversized eyes at him. "I have a question." He squirmed in a scarily feminine manner that both amused and terrified Shinichi. "I've known this guy for a really long time, but we weren't friends at first and we haven't really talked much for a while. But a week ago we rekindled our relationship, and now I'm pretty sure I've always had feelings for him." He batted his eyelashes, and Shinichi almost laughed. "So how should I confess?"

Damn. Shinichi had been hoping to avoid this question for as long as possible. He was positively terrible at confessions.

"Well, I don't really know if I can help you with that one," Shinichi chuckled nervously. "When I confessed for the one and only time in my life to a long-term crush of mine, I did terribly. We were in a fight that stemmed from me not understanding her feelings, and I said something stupid like, 'The heart of a woman who one loves… How can anyone accurately deduce that?' She got the main idea, but I'm sure there are better ways." He gave an awkward laugh.

Kaito was watching Shinichi with his usual expression – yet Shinichi could sense something was off. Was it just him, or were Kaito's eyes just the slightest bit sad? Were his lips not pulling up as much as usual?

"Um…" Feeling lost, Shinichi hastily continued, "To answer your question, I guess that best way is to just be upfront over it. Tell him how you feel, and if it's meant to be, it'll happen." He sat back, his brow knitting. "Was that okay?"

The magician didn't say anything for a moment before nodding his head. "Of course! That's… that's perfect." He smiled – less brightly than usual? – and hopped off the chair. "I'm going to go get ready now." With that, he trotted back through the door.

Shinichi stared after him, feeling a concerned knot rising in his stomach. Somehow he felt as if he'd let Kaito – and _himself_ – down.

* * *

><p>"Hi, Shinichi-kun. This is Haruka."<p>

"Good to hear from you, Haruka-san." Shinichi clasped his hands in front of him, careful to avoid the microphone on the table, as he smirked at Kaito.

"I have a question."

"I'm here for you." Shinichi placed his palm over the back of Kaito's hand with a warm nod.

Kaito blushed, though Shinichi couldn't tell if it was acting or the pat on the hand Shinichi had given him. "Um, I was just thinking… uh, are _you_, Shinichi-kun, in love with anyone?"

Wordlessly, Shinichi blinked at him for a very long second. Well, Shinichi _could _imagine one of the callers asking something like that, but it had just surprised him a little. "Is there a particular _reason _you want to know?" he asked, though not unkindly.

"N-no, it's nothing like that. I just wanted to know if your advice is from the perspective of a man in love or – or not, that's all," Haruka/Kaito stammered adorably.

Wait, what? Where the hell was this "adorably" coming from?

"Oh, is that it?" Shinichi outwardly replied, bobbing his head comprehendingly. "Um, well… if I'm in love…" He trailed off, considering how he should answer this question. Was he in love?

Mm… maybe, possibly? Shinichi had never been good at figuring out things like that – it had taken, what, eight years at _least _to realize that he was in love with Ran? But if he was, Shinichi wasn't particularly sure _who _he was in love with.

Oh God. Stuff like this always made his head hurt.

"…I would say maybe I'm in love with someone," Shinichi finally stated, dropping his hand from the back of his head, where it had magically migrated to during his thoughts. "I'm not good at figuring out my feelings, though."

"I see," Kaito remarked quietly. "I understand, too. It's hard sometimes, right?"

Studying the control board operator's calm expression, Shinichi agreed, "Yes, definitely," with a slightly helpless shrug. He was starting to feel like he was missing something really, really obvious, but for the life of him, he couldn't think of _what _that something might be.

"Today's a pass," the magician announced with his typical smirk, dropping back into his normal voice. He slid the headset across the table to Shinichi, saluted him playfully, and left.

Shinichi stared after him, a wrinkle creasing his brow. Something… something was _off _about him. Something _had been _off about him for a while now.

He sighed and arranged the headset over his head. What was he supposed to do in this situation, anyway?

* * *

><p>Shinichi had been waiting for nearly five minutes before Kaito finally charged through the booth door, panting hard and looked positively exhausted as he doubled over, hands on his knees.<p>

"You okay?" Shinichi eyed him critically, one eyebrow creeping upwards slowly. His shirt was on backwards, and Shinichi caught a quick glimpse of mismatched socks underneath the hem of Kaito's jeans.

"Ye… yes, of course," Kaito huffed, straightening with some effort. "I had a heist last night."

"Oh, right," Shinichi nodded, making the connections. He had seen something about another Kid announcement in the newspapers, hadn't he? He wondered how long Kaito had taken to prepare and how long the heist itself had been. "Your shirt's on backwards, by the way."

Acknowledging it with a sigh, Kaito fell into his chair, pulling his arms into the shirt to turn it around. "Hakuba's back from England, and he's giving me hell."

"Hakuba, as in Hakuba Saguru?" Shinichi had to suppress a shudder as he remembered how he'd found out he was paired with the other detective during his first broadcast. "That's right, he's a Kid fanatic."

Sticking his head through the proper hole again, Kaito nodded, ruffling back his hair. "It's terrible. The bastard was bad enough when we were in high school, but I swear he's gotten worse." He slouched back in his seat, head lolling. "I hate him."

Shinichi made a noncommittal sound. He didn't particularly mind Hakuba, although the fact that he was paired with him made him flinch deeply.

A thought suddenly occurred to him, and he turned to Kaito to ask, "Hey, why did you sign on to be a control board operator for Sonoko, of all people?"

"Huh?" Kaito cracked open one bleary eye to stare at Shinichi. "Oh, I see what you mean. I wanted to have an indirect connection to old man Jirokichi for the most part, and when I heard that Suzuki-chan had a radio show, I took the opportunity. But it's kind of a bust, really. Sonoko doesn't talk about her uncle that often, and it's not like he comes around here often or anything."

"Hmm," Shinichi hummed, leaning against the wall behind him.

Suddenly Kaito jolted into a sitting position. "Oh! I totally forgot about doing our usual fake question asking!" He peeked at the clock and groaned. "Dammit, we've only got a few minutes to airtime!" He cleared his throat before beginning, "Hi, I'm Natsuki."

"Huh?" Startled, Shinichi only frowned before he realized what Kaito was talking about. "Oh, don't worry about that," he told him, waving him off dismissively. "I'll do it."

One of Kaito's eyebrows rose in bemusement and slight glee. "What? Are you saying you _want _to do it?"

"No," scowled Shinichi, his stare morphing into a glare. "Even if I can manage it, it's not as if I like subbing for Sonoko. But you're clearly in no shape to be on a radio show, and if I can do it, I might as well." He rolled his eyes good-naturedly and headed into the booth.

After pulling on the headset, he looked through the glass window to see Kaito watching him with a slightly surprised tilt of his head. _What? _he mouthed self-consciously, grimace deepening.

"It's nothing," Kaito called through the intercom, shaking his head, and Shinichi gave him one last _well, okay _look before facing the microphone.

* * *

><p>"Good afternoon, Shinichi-san. I'm Tanaka."<p>

"Hello, Tanaka-san. Is there something I can do for you?"

Hm, Shinichi noted thoughtfully, was it just him, or did Kaito's girl-voice seem to be getting lower and lower each day? This "Tanaka" had a voice deeper than usual for a girl. Maybe Kaito was just trying to get a variety of voices in?

He shrugged it off as Tanaka/Kaito demurely answered, "I want some advice on how to know if someone returns my feelings. There's a guy that I've been hanging around for a while, and I'm totally head-over-heels for him, but I just don't know if he feels the same way for me."

"Is that so?" Shinichi pressed his lips together, considering. "Uh, well, I guess, how does he act when you're around? Is it different from how he acts around others?"

Kaito's gaze drifted downwards, away from Shinichi's eyes. "Whenever I see him, we tend to be alone together, so I haven't really seen him interact with any other people."

_Troubling. _Shinichi's brow knit as he thought. "Then… how does he treat you?"

"Ah… nicely enough, I suppose?"

"'Nicely e_nough_' isn't a good thing," Shinichi laughed. "Are you sure this guy's a good person?"

Head snapping up, Kaito seemed to fight back a smirk as he observed Shinichi's expression. "Oh, he's a good person. He's got a somewhat snippy sense of humor sometimes, though."

"'Snippy'? Wow," muttered Shinichi, shoving back a handful of his bangs. "I guess, then, there's no real way to tell with a guy like that, huh?" He slanted his head curiously. "Have you been dropping hints?"

Was it just him, or did Kaito roll his eyes in a very unfeminine manner? "I'm been dropping tons of hints, but he's so dense he doesn't get it _at all_."

"I… okay." Shinichi was at a loss as he sat back. "There… isn't really a way to know unless you approach him directly, is there?" He shrugged. "Some studies say that a quickened pulse or dilated pupils are signs of attraction, though. You could try to use that. But I'd have to observe your interactions firsthand to be able to tell you."

Kaito was silent for a second, searching Shinichi's face sharply. His gaze lingered on Shinichi's eyes for a second, making Shinichi's heart skip a beat (what?!) before he muttered, "I swear to God, you are the densest person I've ever met, Shinichi."

"What was that?"

"Nothing." Kaito smiled brightly. "You pass." He leaned across the table and fitted the headset over Shinichi's head gently, sending shivers racing down Shinichi's spine at the line brush of fingertips against his cheek as Kaito pulled back, still beaming. "Good luck today."

"Right." Shinichi followed Kaito's back with his eyes, one hand lifting to press against the spot on his cheek where Kaito's hand had touched. It seemed to burn fervently, and Shinichi felt himself flush just the slightest bit.

He cleared his throat, feeling immensely awkward. Weird.

* * *

><p>"Hi, I'm Shizuka."<p>

"Hello, Shizuka-san." Shinichi nodded at Kaito around the microphone in front of him. "You're on the air. What's your question today?"

"The person I'm in love with has a childhood friend that he was in love with a few years ago," Shizuka/Kaito explained, resting his head on his hands. Shinichi tried to ignore the way Kaito seemed to be eyeing him seductively through his eyelashes.

Or maybe it was just him. He'd been oddly jumpy around Kaito since yesterday's question, flinching at the slightest contact. Kaito had noticed, considering how unusual it was for Shinichi to jump three feet and begin stammering unintelligibly when Kaito patted him on the shoulder after the show. Kaito hadn't commented, probably because one of the calls had been a Kid x Shinichi fangirl who had read him one of her, uh… stories, and he assumed Shinichi was just feeling traumatized.

Unfortunately, the feeling hadn't faded, and Shinichi was having issues not noticing Kaito in, um, unfamiliar ways. Like the way one side of his mouth lifted just a tiny bit higher than the other when he smiled, and how his shirt rode up when he leaned against the wall, exposing a sliver of toned stomach, and –

_Let's move back into normal territory, brain_, Shinichi commanded himself, returning his attention to the possibly-seductively-looking-through-his-eyelashes Kaito. "I'm sorry, what was that?" he coughed, blinking rapidly.

Shooting him a chastising frown, Kaito repeated, "The person I'm in love with has a childhood friend that he was in love with a few years ago. I don't know how I should handle it."

"Handle it?" Shinichi's brow creased. "If he was in love with her a few years ago, why does that matter? It's not as if he is _now_."

"It's not just that. They're still really close, even though they both have supposedly moved on," Kaito informed, shuffling uncomfortably in his seat in an uneasy manner that puzzled Shinichi. He swept his tongue over his lips in an almost nervous gesture. "I think he probably still cares for her."

Either Kaito was a fantastic actor who believed in injecting his soul into questions, or he had some kind of connection to this one in particular.

Shinichi found himself fighting to keep the unexpected surge of vehemence he felt from his voice as he responded, "Ah, Shizuka-san, was it? Look, I think if he says he's over her, then you should listen to him. He knows best what he's feeling. If he's an honorable person, he'll be able to answer honestly."

Looking up from his lap, Kaito stared across the table at Shinichi, slightly askance. "Is that what you think?"

"It's what I believe," offered Shinichi, slightly apologetic. "That's just my ideal, I guess, that people would be honest about stupid things like that." He let out a short lungful of laughter. "Although, I'm not really one to talk – in the past, I spent a lot of time lying to people about similarly 'stupid things', to be honest, because I thought I could protect them that way. I can only hope I've progressed past that point."

Sighing, Shinichi cast a look at Kaito, who was watching him steadily. "Do I pass for today, Kaito?"

"Kaito?" Kaito blinked, looking vaguely confused.

"That's your name, isn't it?" Shinichi felt his eyebrows slowly moving towards each other.

"Huh? Right, uh, of course," the magician answered, quickly standing. "Yes, you pass."

He was at the doorframe before he glanced tentatively back at Shinichi. "Hey, Shinichi… are you over Mouri-chan?"

Caught off guard, Shinichi stared blankly at him. "Ran?"

"Uh, yes."

"Of course I'm over Ran," replied Shinichi. "Why are you asking?"

A small smile spread over Kaito's face before he smothered it. "Oh, nothing, I was just wondering," he sang before he ducked out of the booth.

As Shinichi arranged the headset over his head, the thought occurred to him that he had just called Kaito by his first name for the first time.

* * *

><p>"Are you going to ask me a question today?" Shinichi asked after an impatient three minutes.<p>

Kaito, who had been staring intently at the table as he appeared to have a mental war, cleared his throat in surprise and lifted his eyes to peer at Shinichi. "Oh, um, yes. It's just, I was having…"

"A mental debate?" supplied Shinichi, one eyebrow quirked playfully. Kaito shook his head fondly as he cleared his throat yet again.

"Sure, let's go with that. So, uh…" Kaito turned a very adorable shade of pink as he muttered, "Here's the question."

He seemed to take one last, stabilizing breath before he said, "Hi, I'm Kaito," in his normal, unaltered voice.

Shinichi blinked approximately four times before stuttering, "He-Hello, Kaito…?"

"I have a question," continued the phantom thief, the pink creeping slowly down his neck as he fidgeted, eyes downcast. "I'm completely in love with this really dense detective who's subbing on this radio show. His name is Kudou Shinichi." He snatched a quick glance at Shinichi. "And I was wondering if he returns my feelings?"

Shinichi suddenly felt like someone had pulled the floor right out from underneath him as he stared at Kaito. "You – Kudou Shin – but that's –?" he choked, eyes wide and heart hammering violently.

"Right." Kaito gave a shallow nod, maintaining his composure as Shinichi was reduced to a blinking, openmouthed mass of shock. "So?"

The expression on his face was so earnest, so sincere, so hopeful, so warm-hearted, buoyant, playful pretty, that Shinichi gave in.

Managing to lift his jaw to swallow, Shinichi felt a smirk spreading across his face. "I am pleased to inform you that Kudou Shinichi does, indeed, return your feelings."

Kaito's head snapped up, and his whole face lit up. "Really?"

"Mmhm." Shinichi was smiling so hard his cheeks hurt. "Does that mean I pass for today?"

"Definitely," Kaito agreed, and he lunged forward and pressed his lips against Shinichi's so fast Shinichi knocked over the microphone in surprise.

As Shinichi wrapped his arms around Kaito's neck, he considered that perhaps subbing for Sonoko wasn't _quite _as terrible as he had expected.

And that maybe the Kid x Shinichi fans weren't quite as insane as he'd thought.

* * *

><p><strong>*dances in circles* IT'S DONE WHOO<strong>

**Yeah, I've been slaving over this for a ridiculously long time. It started out with me randomly writing a fic where Shinichi gets tortured by listening to people informing him of the existence of Kid x Shinichi works, but then nuuuuuuu, I decided I should make it into some kind of... yeah. Whatever this is. A fluffy mess, pretty much.**

**Well, anyway, if you enjoyed this even a little, consider dropping me a review! They fuel the fires in my ShinKai-obsessed mind~! - Luna**


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